its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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