My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Such a big mess for such a small penis
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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