is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
