My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
