My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
