I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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