Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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