I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
