God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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