I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
