she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
