my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
