soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
