You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
