Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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