there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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