Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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