I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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