I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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