you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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