Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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