my soul wont recognize me after tonight
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
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I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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