In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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