Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
