Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
