I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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