I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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