Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
