I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
4 words: hood of his car
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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