Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
