He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
