Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize