help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You can't special order awesome
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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