wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just google imaged poop.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
