I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
