He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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