The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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