I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
