When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
