Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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