turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
