he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
