The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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