I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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