did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
