I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
