can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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