I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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