I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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