Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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