I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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