he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
