Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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