I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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