finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
