Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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