those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
