her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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