I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
