i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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