my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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