I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
