Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
