If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
